Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
