I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
where are my eyebrows?
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