how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I AM VODKA MAN
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
