I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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