If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
