Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
