when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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