Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
