I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
