The best revenge is premature balding
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
