Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
