i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
