I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
