I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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