my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
