life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
