have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
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