***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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