so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
