You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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