I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
