I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
