he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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