You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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