uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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