She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
