Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
