I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
