I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
