How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
