i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
