are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
