I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
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