next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
