these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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