Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
