"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
