oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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