grandma shit on top of the toilet
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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