I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
