idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
