Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
