Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just want nice things and good sex
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
