Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just found a bag of teeth...
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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