so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
wow bdsm is so cute
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
