Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
