Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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