the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
