Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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