You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
