The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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