You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
