The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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